I feel so lonely and alone. I live in a place where I can honestly say I have no friends! I live in a place where I have no one to hang out with or relax and have fun with. I literally say maybe 20 conversational words a day if that. For example, a typical conversation I have with another live human being would be on a given day is. "Can I get a two cheeseburger meal with a large Coke?" "Is everything correct on the screen?" "Yes." Then when I receive my food I always say, "Thank you. Have a nice day!" There you have it! That's what my conversations typically consist of these days. I honestly believe that if I killed myself or died of something it would at least take someone around 4 days more or less to discover my rotting corpse.
I live with my brother. I've lived with him for the past 4 months and I think you could fill up only ONE 8 1/2 x 11 page, single spaced, 1 inched margins, size 12 Times New Roman font with the amount of conversation we've exchanged back and for during these past 4 MONTHS!! I wish I was exaggerating.
I've began to have lots of conversations with myself of what stuff I wish people would ask me about. I use to keep these conversations to within my head but because I spend 80% of my time by myself I know have these conversations with the air.
I do have 1 and a half best friends back home but I can never muster up the courage to call them because I'm so sad and on the verge of tears all the time that I have felt them distance themselves from me Rachel Downer.
I listened to General Conference today and I swear God tells my prayers to Pres. Uchtdorf because he always says the things I need to hear. He told us that we need to be happy now and not when we reach what ever we a striving for. Seriously, I don't know how to be happy anymore. I have been so severely sad and depressed and lonely for so long now that I don't know how to smile and find joy in the journey. I have nothing to live for. I'm never going to fall in love, get married or have kids. Kids are completely out of the question for me. Not because I don't want to but because I can't. You can't get pregnant if you don't ovulate and I don't ovulate. My body has its own built in birth control. Also my body and face are my own built in birth control. I have acne up the whazoo, can grow a beard and sideburns better than most men. I'm as hairy as a ewok under my clothes. That's why I always wear pants. I have pores the size of small children filled with gross stuff. My hair is falling out and thinning. I have poop brown/ black eyes. I have a lot of acne scaring. I have body acne. I have subluxation degeneration of my cervical vertebrae and scoliosis causing my neck to be thrust forward and causing me to walk around like Quazimoto, the Hunchback of Notre Dome. I have uneven teeth and I'm about 60 lbs over weight. I wish that I was exaggerating about my looks but I'm am being honest.
I'm not happy. I am so unhappy and I don't know how to be happy. How do you smile when you want to cry. How do you be happy about what you look like when no amount of make up can help you look better. Literally you can't put make up on a pig and make it look like a princess. A pig is always a pig no matter how much you try to dress it up. When I put make up on my face or wear a nice top, whats the point I still look like the witch from snow white, a whale, and a ewok combined. No amount of make up or clothes can cover up the ugly that is my biological make up. There are pretty girls and there are not so pretty girls and then there are ugly girls. I know what category I belong in so why should I be happy about it.
I don't know what to find happiness about in my life. Yes, I have all my body parts, and I have a family that says they loves me but none of my family members (except my Mom) care to take the time to talk to me or get to know me or see how I'm doing.
The only thing that brings me happiness in my life is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know it's true. I love it and I try my best to live it. It's constant and true.
