I think my lot in life is to bear others burdens. Which is what Jesus Christ did. I have been blessed with the gift of uplifting people and making people feel better about themselves. I have been told this by many others that I have a way of genuinely and honestly expressing to people how amazing they are. I can easily see the strengths and good within every person I meet. I have kind of unconsiously been asking in my prayers for years for Heavenly Father to help me uplift those around me and not until a few seconds ago did I realize that he had answered that prayer of mine.
Uplifting people is something I'm good at and am meant to do. Sometimes it can wear someone out trying to uplift people all the time when they have as many issues as I have but I know that its something I'm meant to do. A talent I'm suppose to continue to cultivate.
Okay, so the next few paragraphs I write are going to be ramblings and thoughts I need to get out of my head.
I am frustrated and angry at Him. All I want is to be his friend and that's all! I know now without a doubt in my mind that I'm not suppose to marry Him. He's a great person, an amazing person; so don't take it the wrong way when I say he is just not the right person for me. Being physical and intimate with someone is essential in a marriage and a relationship and I am not going to be the aggressor. It needs to be mutual. I want to be with someone who wants all of me!! Both inside and out! I am not suggesting you break the Law of Chastity before you get married but holding hands, cuddling, hugging, kissing are an essential part of a relationship before marriage and after marriage that and more is important for success. I talked to my mom last night about everything and she told me about my Aunt Lori who married her first husband who ended up leaving the church, divorcing her and choosing to live an alternate lifestyle and the struggles she faced in that marriage. That really broaden my perspective and helped me realize that I don't want that or him. I don't know why he snubs me all the time.
Well, some good and bad news. I tried to appeal to retake some classes yesterday at FCC so I can get better grades in them and help my GPA and make me eligible to apply to different nursing programs and they denied my petition because I had already passed the classes. They told me that I can't retake those classes from any Jr. college in the SCCCD. So this means I have to retake these classes somewhere else! Hell's YES!!! This means I'm getting out of FRES-NO!!!! I'm exploring my options but I'm going to re-take them somewhere far away from Fresno as I can possibly get. So don't have to deal with C squared, A & G, my child, and a ward that runs me into the ground because no one takes responsibility for their callings!
Well, things are going to get better. I can't believe I'm going to be a quarter of a century old tomorrow! Horse shit!! Crap! What am I going to do?!? I'm not looking forward to it. I wish I can change all records that say its my brithday tomorrow and how old I will be turning. I don't want to be 25! I don't want to qualify to be a Mid-Single Adult! I doubt anyone will remember it other than my family and two best friends. I haven't made a big deal out of it when I tried to make a big deal of other peoples birthdays. Oh well.
I think I'm done rambling. I got stuff to do. Peace out!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Living My Life Through TV
I watch way too much TV. I love TV!!! I am going to be pretty embarassed when we are all in heaven watching our lives and my total hours of TV are counted. I would guess I spend half my life watching TV and movies.
I get really into the TV shows, movies, and books. My best friend KayKay does as well. Its so funny because these characters become so real to us that we talk about them by nicknames and as if we really know them. Many times when people over hear our conversation they inquire to know who we are talking about. Our response is that we are just talking about this book, or that show or a movie and the persons response is always, "Oh! I thought you were talking about real people." Well, that is because these peoples lives have become real to us. It's like we lived through their drama with them. This is why I like to watch TV so much. I don't drink to drown my sorrows. I watch TV, a movie or read a book and get lost in a world of other peoples drama and joys and try to forget the shit hole I'm digging for myself and living in. It's hell living in your shit everyday.
I want to get out of this pit I've gotten myself into but I just don't know how. I need help! I never thought about killing myself or wanting to die until recently when I went and saw a thearapist and did an invetory with them 3 weeks ago and me asked me questions about that. You know its like when someone says don't think about a white elephant and then BAM!! What are you thinking about now?? A white elephant. They asked me the question if I wanted to kill myself or ever thought about killing myself and I used to think about that stuff as a teenager but not lately and now BAM!! Thats all I've been thinking about lately. I'll probably never go through with it! So don't worry or report me to the police. I had been thinking about cutting myself since I was 12 and it took me till 24 to actually do it. They still haven't called me back for a follow up appointment by the way. I guess that means I'm so screwed up they probably can't provide me with any help or want to spend their time trying to fix the unfixable. I am mental and screwed up!
I know what happens when I die. I know where I'll go if I die in my sins. I know if I kill myself I will go to a place I don't want to be with no way out. I will never live in the presence of my Heavenly Father and Savior agian but now I'm feeling like there is no hope for me. I gave into my addiction again 2 days ago and I don't feel as sorry as I should feel. I just feel like if I end my life now that I'll be better off than to continue living a life I'm just fucking up every day that I'm breathing. I feel like theres this 900,500,650 pound cement boulder on my chest that I just can't get off me. I can't move. I can't do anything! I'm stuck and I can't get out. It's suffocating me and crushing me to death. I need help! I need help but no one can help me. No one. I don't know what to do.
I get really into the TV shows, movies, and books. My best friend KayKay does as well. Its so funny because these characters become so real to us that we talk about them by nicknames and as if we really know them. Many times when people over hear our conversation they inquire to know who we are talking about. Our response is that we are just talking about this book, or that show or a movie and the persons response is always, "Oh! I thought you were talking about real people." Well, that is because these peoples lives have become real to us. It's like we lived through their drama with them. This is why I like to watch TV so much. I don't drink to drown my sorrows. I watch TV, a movie or read a book and get lost in a world of other peoples drama and joys and try to forget the shit hole I'm digging for myself and living in. It's hell living in your shit everyday.
I want to get out of this pit I've gotten myself into but I just don't know how. I need help! I never thought about killing myself or wanting to die until recently when I went and saw a thearapist and did an invetory with them 3 weeks ago and me asked me questions about that. You know its like when someone says don't think about a white elephant and then BAM!! What are you thinking about now?? A white elephant. They asked me the question if I wanted to kill myself or ever thought about killing myself and I used to think about that stuff as a teenager but not lately and now BAM!! Thats all I've been thinking about lately. I'll probably never go through with it! So don't worry or report me to the police. I had been thinking about cutting myself since I was 12 and it took me till 24 to actually do it. They still haven't called me back for a follow up appointment by the way. I guess that means I'm so screwed up they probably can't provide me with any help or want to spend their time trying to fix the unfixable. I am mental and screwed up!
I know what happens when I die. I know where I'll go if I die in my sins. I know if I kill myself I will go to a place I don't want to be with no way out. I will never live in the presence of my Heavenly Father and Savior agian but now I'm feeling like there is no hope for me. I gave into my addiction again 2 days ago and I don't feel as sorry as I should feel. I just feel like if I end my life now that I'll be better off than to continue living a life I'm just fucking up every day that I'm breathing. I feel like theres this 900,500,650 pound cement boulder on my chest that I just can't get off me. I can't move. I can't do anything! I'm stuck and I can't get out. It's suffocating me and crushing me to death. I need help! I need help but no one can help me. No one. I don't know what to do.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Welcome New Year
Im riding in the fog. Its a perfect example of what I feel like this year is going to be like. I dunno what Im going to do with my life. I feel like Im going to be wondering in the fog trying to find the correct road I need to be on this year. I hope my year is happier than how I feel right now. :-\
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