Heart Transplant

,,,,,My heart is broken. I think I need mine removed all together so I don't feel anything anymore for anyone.  Or I guess I would be okay with someone else's heart. I want Mich Mich's heart perferably. I love you and I love you and I love you too. I hate letting the people I love down.  

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My Gift to Jesus this year

This year my gift to Jesus is giving up ang kahuyang ko because I need to get married and its keeping me back from progressing and being happy and worthy.  Also Im never going to cut myself again. I pray that God will give me the strength to give up these things for my gift to Jesus this year. It will be hard but I know that all things are possible with God.

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Queen of Deh Nile (Denial)

Man, I just realized that I am the queen of denial.  It takes me a long time to admit things to myself.  For example, when I like a guy Ill deny it for as long as I possibly can to myself and others.  I hate liking guys because it makes me vulnerable and dependent on someone for a empty longing feeling I feel that can only be filled by a person I have no control over.  So I deny liking a person as long as I can so I don't have to feel that I have to depend on someone to make me happy. 

I just found out while watching Tangled by myself that Ive been in denial about being sad.  I've been sad for a while but I would never admit it to myself.  That movie is so cute and sweet.  The part when flinn was dying and Repuntzle healed him with love was too cute that cried.  As I cried I realized that I just wanted to keep on crying and that  I was really sad.  It was nice to realize that and that I've been in denial about it for a long time.

It was nice to come to terms and acknowledge my sadness.

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Sorry

As I look over the posts I've published I didn't realize that this blog has turned into the writings of a disgruntled emo kid.  I'll try to publish more cheery posts.  This blog has become a place were I can vent my frustrations, and say the things I feel sometimes but can never let anyone know.

Seriously, Jesus?

Today I didn't want to be like Jesus....



I seriously don't know how he did it, all the time, every day.  How was he so charitable, caring, kind, friendly, selfless, and perfect all the time?  He had to be the Son of God!  It's so hard! It takes a lot of effort and is exhausting!

Sometimes, I don't want to be helpful.  Sometimes, I get tired of helping others and being their pillar to lean on.  Sometimes, I get tired of pretending and putting up with peoples crap.  I didn't want to do it today.  I just wanted to be left alone today.  I've had my fill of people for a while.

Today, I decided to be lazy.  I laid in bed 90% of the day.  I am so tired and screwed up.  Everyone thinks I'm so perfect like they always have my whole life.  I just give off that vibe that I'm good but in reality I'm just a big FAILURE!!!!!

I was talking to be best friend today and came to this epiphany that I'm a failure.  I'm single. FAIL! I am unemployed.  FAIL! I am going to a junior college and I'm 24. FAIL!!! Fail + Fail + Fail = Epic Failure!!! I can't take all the pressure that is on me every day!! It just makes me want to lay in bed all day.  Why can't I have my dog Basco's life.  The measure of his creation is to crap! eat! play! sleep! play! sleep! eat! crap!! He has the life! No job, but he has medical care and love.  All that is expected out of him is simple tricks like shaking hands and barking when people come to the door. Man, I hate you BASCO!!!

I hate how people always ask you so what are you doing with your life? Next time I'm asked this I'm seriously going to say, "I'm failing!"  Why do I need to know what I'm going to do with my life every second of the day? Why can't I say I don't know.  Why don't people ask you how do you feel about your life?  Does your life make you happy? What are you doing in your life that makes you happy?  I like these questions better! Less pressure!

Also, I don't think I want friends anymore.  (I mean everyone except my H*MARK friends.)  Their too much.  Just too much.  I'm contemplating big time deleting my Facebook.  I spend too much time on it and I kind of want to go off the grid for a while.  If I have a facebook people can stock me and I not know it.  It kind of scares me to delete it but I am on the cliff about it.  People will actually have to call me up or text me to let me know about things.  I'll be all retro and unique because everyone has a stinkin' facebook.

Man, side note! My tongue is still burned from the hot chocolate I drank 3 hours ago.  Crap!

Well, I think thats all my rambalings for tonight because I'm fading fast! Peace out!

Nothing is Ever Free

Man, where do all the crazy's in Fresno go for free mental health services?? I was looking online today about cutting yourself and it suggested you get phsycological help immediately.  So I have spen the last 30 minutes trying to find some free mental health services in Fresno, Ca and they don't exsist.  Crap!! Also they do offer mental services at the College but the semester is over this week and you need to set and appointment 10 days in advance before you can meet with someone! Ah! Crap!!! Also I haven't signed up for classes for next semester and you have to be taking classes to recieve help! :-( I don't know if I can get some counseling through my health insurence. Hm.. probably not. I just need some help from someone with a multiple degrees who doesn't know me. 

I feel sometimes like its just to hard

Where do therapist go when they have problems? Where do peoples rock go when they have problems? Where do you turn when you have problems? I have no one I feel like I can turn to whose living on the earth right now.  My problems and issues are to deep and uncomfortable for any of my friends to handle with out breaking.  They shouldn't have to help me with my burdens.  When I need help I seriously feel like the only person I can turn to is Heavenly Father.  He will always give me a listening ear but he can't give me a shoulder to cry on that I feel like I need.

I was going strong for a month.  For one month I able to exercise self control from not giving into my addiction (ang kahuyang ko) I felt like this time would be different.  This time would be final.  This time I would be the conqueror.  This time I would be victorious.  This time would be the last time.

Well.... I'm now at day 3.  It's pretty disappointing.  Its a vicious cycle.  I'm trying to stay strong but this may sound really lame but I feel the darkness coming in all around me.  I feel the Spirit calling me to repentance but I feel paralyzed.  I feel hopelessness and that giving up would be so easy to do but I know it wouldn't solve the problem and it won't bring happiness into my life.

I'm tired of supporting so many people, spiritually, physically, mentally, financially, and emotionally.  I can't do it anymore.  Where are you when I need you?  Who is there for me to lean on when I need help?  Who is there to support me in my time of need? No one.  I am alone on this journey.  The person I want to be there for me doesn't think of me anymore.  I can't like him anymore.  I can't wait so long for him. I know he isn't the one for me but I still need him.  I still need his friendship, his support and his love.  I still feel tied to him some how when I would rather have nothing to do with him.

 I just watched a Youtube video and found out that guys and girls can't be friends.  Most of the time the girl thinks of them as friends but the guy does not.  I've noticed a lot lately he has been trying to make "friends" with the girls he told me "could of/ should of" asked out.  He never was attracted to me.  That was the problem.  He always wants to do what is right and found me an easy victim.  I need to have a man be physically attracted to me.  I need a man who wants to kiss me, hold my hand and be intimate with me and he couldn't or didn't want to and I couldn't be okay with that.

I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life after this week.  I swear I need to start seeing a a therapist or something.  I need someone to analyze me and find out why I'm so messed up and broken.  I didn't sign up for school next semester.  I just want to finish school but I have a shitty GPA. Pardon my French.  I usually don't cuss but my GPA is just that bad.  I think but I dunno if want to go back to BYUI but I have no hope of ever getting into their nursing program with my GPA.  Maybe I wanna try SVU and just get as far away from here as possible.  I just need to get out of Fresno and soon because I feel like I'm suffocating here.  I feel like I'm drowning here.  AHGAH! I dunno what to do.  I absolutely am 100% unhappy living with my parents.  They are Hoarders and I can't take it! It makes me angry all the time.  Seriously, I clean and it like opens up more room for them to put more CRAP!!!! They can never keep the house clean for a day they are that bad.  I want to nominate them for Hoarders but my mom would never speak to me again if I did.  She told me this.

I'm so unhappy.  Seriously!! I hate people asking me so what are you doing with your life and all I want to say is nothing.  My life sucks! I'm trying to just make it through the day!

Don't get me wrong! I know I am blessed and spoiled but I'm so unhappy because I have no skills or abilities that will allow me to survive in the real world.  I need a job.

So I started cutting myself and I actually like it. It doesn't look that bad.  I wore nothing on my arm to cover it up and nobody said anything.  I'm not using any razors yet or anything like that and I probably never will but I'm stilling using my stake knife.  I haven't gone to crazy.

Well, I dunno but Christmas makes me sad.  I went to a church Christmas program today and was really sad.  Some songs made me depressed and I was like what the heck?!?

I dunno whats wrong with me. I need help.  Well, peace out! I'm tired.  I have a lot on my mind right now and I'm sorry for the rambling.  I have a final tomorrow that I haven't studied for yet. :-( I hope its easy!

Sometime I Just Want to Slice My Wrists

I thought it would be harder than it was. So many times I've wanted to do it but I never could. To bad my lame house had nothing sharper than a dull steak knife.

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