It's weird. I honestly never want people to think I'm judging them because who am I to judge? no one. It's just I don't want to be around them when they do certain things. Is that judging a person? I love the people, they me me smile until my cheeks hurt and my heart swell with joy but I can't subject myself to and environment where the Spirit can't dwell. I do that enough on my own with my own thoughts and own actions.
Sometimes I think people do things that are bad because it gives them a high. Us Mormons aren't allowed to do that much "bad" so when we do do things that we know are wrong it makes us feel cool, empowered, rebellious, a rush.
I always thought I was good at being bad but I really kind of suck at it because I can't just let go of it all. I always feel the guilt, the hollow emptiness, the nothingness, the worthlessness, the desire to just cease to exist after everytime I do something I know I shouldn't. It's nothing more than lame empty fun lameness.
Wickedness was never happiness and I know that to be too true to the point I can't function if I do things wicked. I'm learning that I shouldn't even do things that are not too bad or almost good because they are still bad. These ways of phrasing them are just excuses used to tie cute pink ribbions around them to make ourselves feel better for doing them.
I'm lame. The end! Sorry about that. Well anyways it's late! and I'm hungery so latez.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Ramblings of one trying to discover the meaning of it all
I'm beginning to find out for myself... that nothing in my life seems to go as I pictured it or planned it out in my head.
I have loud conversations in my head quite frequently. Sometimes, I'll spend half a day by myself and become shocked that I hadn't opened my mouth once to utter a word the whole time. This being because I'll have such complicated conversations in my head. Even though I don't openingly speak and sit down to tea with my imaginary friends anymore... that vivid creative imagination still is quite alive with in me that creates all the conversations I want to have with people I'll never have, creates all the dreams of the person I want to become but still remains to hides her face. You know??
I never thought I would grow up to be someone who had been kicked out of college, fat, hanging out with friends from church and not keeping in touch with my high school friends that live in the same town as me, ect.
I always thought I would go to BYU-I out of high school, have Gordon B. Hinkley sign my mission papers, go on a mission at 21 not 21 and 1/2, I always thoght I would open my mission letter at home surround by friends and family, I thought I would be more adultish at my age and a lot cooler than I am right now.
I'm so weird now. Things I use to love and sparkle to me seem dull and lame. They don't bring me as much entertainment as they once did. Things between me and my high school friends are awkward. Sometimes I think that if I was wearing sweats and ran into them at Borders I would hide behind a bookself until they left and not say hi because it would just be so uncomfortable. I don't care for anime or harry potter or lord of the rings like I once did. I've got over buying all my clothes at thrift stores. I try to look like a young adult now. I don't like to watch rated R movies. I don't mind listening to church music all day every day. I don't like volunteering for things as much as I use too. I've learned that I am nothing with out God. I think I've grown up to be lame.
I have loud conversations in my head quite frequently. Sometimes, I'll spend half a day by myself and become shocked that I hadn't opened my mouth once to utter a word the whole time. This being because I'll have such complicated conversations in my head. Even though I don't openingly speak and sit down to tea with my imaginary friends anymore... that vivid creative imagination still is quite alive with in me that creates all the conversations I want to have with people I'll never have, creates all the dreams of the person I want to become but still remains to hides her face. You know??
I never thought I would grow up to be someone who had been kicked out of college, fat, hanging out with friends from church and not keeping in touch with my high school friends that live in the same town as me, ect.
I always thought I would go to BYU-I out of high school, have Gordon B. Hinkley sign my mission papers, go on a mission at 21 not 21 and 1/2, I always thoght I would open my mission letter at home surround by friends and family, I thought I would be more adultish at my age and a lot cooler than I am right now.
I'm so weird now. Things I use to love and sparkle to me seem dull and lame. They don't bring me as much entertainment as they once did. Things between me and my high school friends are awkward. Sometimes I think that if I was wearing sweats and ran into them at Borders I would hide behind a bookself until they left and not say hi because it would just be so uncomfortable. I don't care for anime or harry potter or lord of the rings like I once did. I've got over buying all my clothes at thrift stores. I try to look like a young adult now. I don't like to watch rated R movies. I don't mind listening to church music all day every day. I don't like volunteering for things as much as I use too. I've learned that I am nothing with out God. I think I've grown up to be lame.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
My First Words
I don't have much time to share my thoughts and daily doings on this thing called blogspot but I will try my best with the time I do have. I turned in my mission papers last week so I'll soon find out how soon my days of blogging will last. My life is wonderful. I am truely blessed more than I deserve. I have 4 wonderful girl friends who put up with my eight year old out burts and help guide me on a straight course with their words and lift me up to their level of maturety. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have a job that even though I make barely over minimum wage at the people are wonderful to work with. I'm in a YSA ward with many sisters whom love me and make me smile and I've grown to love very dearly. I know God lives and loves me and I enjoy waking up every morning with the challenge of trying to become like him. I'm sorry this first post is so lame but I'll try to do better in the following ones to come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)