What is it? Where is it? Who is it?

Have you ever felt like something is missing in your life? I feel lately like I have a hole in my life or in my heart or in my brain or something.  I don't know why but I just feel like something is out of place.  I feel like something is  missing in my life and I just don't know where to begin to find what this "thing" is. I don't know. I just don't know.

A One Man Band

I feel so lonely and alone. I live in a place where I can honestly say I have no friends! I live in a place where I have no one to hang out with or relax and have fun with.  I literally say maybe 20 conversational words a day if that. For example, a typical conversation I have with another live human being would be on a given day is. "Can I get a two cheeseburger meal with a large Coke?" "Is everything correct on the screen?" "Yes." Then when I receive my food I always say, "Thank you. Have a nice day!" There you have it! That's what my conversations typically consist of these days.  I honestly believe that if I killed myself or died of something it would at least take someone around 4 days more or less to discover my rotting corpse.  

I live with my brother.  I've lived with him for the past 4 months and I think you could fill up only ONE 8 1/2 x 11 page, single spaced, 1 inched margins, size 12 Times New Roman font with the amount of conversation we've exchanged back and for during these past 4 MONTHS!! I wish I was exaggerating.

I've began to have lots of conversations with myself of what stuff I wish people would ask me about.  I use to keep these conversations to within my head but because I spend 80% of my time by myself I know have these conversations with the air.

I do have 1 and a half best friends back home but I can never muster up the courage to call them because I'm so sad and on the verge of tears all the time that I have felt them distance themselves from me Rachel Downer.

I listened to General Conference today and I swear God tells my prayers to Pres. Uchtdorf because he always says the things I need to hear.  He told us that we need to be happy now and not when we reach what ever we a striving for. Seriously, I don't know how to be happy anymore.  I have been so severely sad and depressed and lonely for so long now that I don't know how to smile and find joy in the journey.  I have nothing to live for.  I'm never going to fall in love, get married or have kids.  Kids are completely out of the question for me.  Not because I don't want to but because I can't.  You can't get pregnant if you don't ovulate and I don't ovulate.  My body has its own built in birth control.  Also my body and face are my own built in birth control.  I have acne up the whazoo, can grow a beard and sideburns better than most men.  I'm as hairy as a ewok under my clothes. That's why I always wear pants.  I have pores the size of small children filled with gross stuff.  My hair is falling out and thinning.  I have poop brown/ black eyes.  I have a lot of acne scaring. I have body acne.  I have subluxation degeneration of my cervical vertebrae and scoliosis causing my neck to be thrust forward and causing me to walk around like Quazimoto, the Hunchback of Notre Dome. I have uneven teeth and I'm about 60 lbs over weight.  I wish that I was exaggerating about my looks but I'm am being honest.

I'm not happy.  I am so unhappy and I don't know how to be happy.  How do you smile when you want to cry.  How do you be happy about what you look like when no amount of make up can help you look better.  Literally you can't put make up on a pig and make it look like a princess.  A pig is always a pig no matter how much you try to dress it up.  When I put make up on my face or wear a nice top, whats the point I still look like the witch from snow white, a whale, and a ewok combined.  No amount of make up or clothes can cover up the ugly that is my biological make up.  There are pretty girls and there are not so pretty girls and then there are ugly girls.  I know what category I belong in so why should I be happy about it. 

I don't know what to find happiness about in my life.  Yes, I have all my body parts, and I have a family that says they loves me but none of my family members (except my Mom) care to take the time to talk to me or get to know me or see how I'm doing.

The only thing that brings me happiness in my life is the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I know it's true.  I love it and I try my best to live it.  It's constant and true.

Some who do and some who don't

I recently just finished watching Lark Rise to Candleford.  It was a great series.  I liked it because it had 3 old spinsters in it.  One of the spinsters gets married at the end of the series though. One of the characters in the series says, "For some women it is their lot to marry and for others well it is not."  I feel like it not my destiny to marry in this life.  I feel like I will be alone as long as I shall roam the earth.  There are a lot of advantages to never marrying. I think I am coming to accept being by myself and growing accustomed to the thought of that is the way it shall always be.  It is not my way to marry.  I'm too old to marry.  I know that God shall not deny any blessings to those who live righteously so I expect I'll marry in my next life but as for the one I'm living in now I am okay with being with just me. I will not marry and that is okay. I don't think I can make room in my life for someone else.  No, I don't think I will ever marry.

Feeling lonely but please don't talk to me

I've come to the realization that I probably have depression. I hate it. I hate that prayer and righteous living isn't enough.  I  haven't been officially diagnosed by a MD yet but no matter what good things take place in my life I've never felt more alone and unhappy and unsatisfied with my life.
I decided I'm going to die young. I'm too sick to live older than 65.
I'm stuck in this weird space time continuum. I hate people, I highly dislike talking to people, interacting with people, being in the same room, space, or even building, or neighborhood as people. I don't like people seeing me or acknowledging me. I wish I had Bilbo Baggins ring which would allow me to walk around invisible among everyone yet its weird that I do long, yearn, and desire friendship. Yet the anxiety I feel and the hate and disgust I feel about myself restrains me from letting me open my mouth to get to know anyone. I can't express the self loathing, and hate, anger, and rage I feel for myself. I'm not a person who can pretend to be someone I'm not. I can't go to a new place and be a whole new person. I am who I am. I won't allow myself to make any friends or be close to anyone because I don't want anyone to know who I am. I am a failure. I let everyone down. I am slow, dumb, and behind, I am an emotional mess, I don't think happy thoughts, I'm sad, very sad every day. I see no light in my future. I am a burden to all who know me. I am such a very sad, sad person. I am so alone with no one to comfort me. I have no family or friends to share heavy burdens with. I am alone and will be alone for the rest of my short life.

The finish line has come

Sometimes and a lot lately I feel like my life is over. Some might think at 25 my life has just begun but I feel like it's all over and that there is no reason for me to take up space anymore. There's no reason for me to exist anymore. My life is over.

Friendships are never really broken

Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted.  Things have gotten a little bit better in my life.  I'm not completely in such a dark hurting myself place anymore as I once was when I started this blog.

Where to start?

Truthfully, in my last post I still wasn't completely over the Guy I posted about even though I thought I was but now I can honestly swear on the Holy Book of Mormon that I am over him 100%!  Man, it is an answer to prayer.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel free, like the world is my oyster.  I talked with him and spent some one on one time with him this week and I didn't feel anything.  I didn't hope for anything.  It was good.  It wasn't as awkward as I thought it might be to talk to him but talking to him came easily like it always had between us.  The next day I replayed our converstion through my mind again and I thought maybe we could be friends again like before but as I facebook stocked him today for the first time this year I realized we have less in common than I originally thought.  Our lives are just too different and being real friends again like we used to be will probably never be in our futures.  That time is gone between us.  I think I will always care for this Guy and hope the best for him but my feeling will never again go deeper than that.

I am excited about a new book I bought off of Amazon called Verbal Advantage by Charles Harrington Elster.  I am hoping that the results the book promises to all those who read and study it will be true for me as well because it has been recently brought to my attention that I speak like an idiot.

I was given a book recently called Weakness Are Not Sin that I look forward to reading because I have a weakness or what I would call an addiction that I have struggled with mastering my whole life because I have just too much testosterone in my body!  Everytime I do this addiction it sends me to a dark place.  Thats why all my posts have been so emo because I continue to have a problem doing this addiction every week.  It sucks that that Guy and I will never be close friends again because I don't know what it is about him but every time I spend time with him I find reslove  within myself to be better and find strength to overcome my inclination to give into my "itch" every night.

I've been perfect since Wednesday which I know is only 3 day but HELL that is a grand achievement for me.  Its kind of ironic.  I know that once I get married I will no longer struggle with my addiction but I have to overcome my addiction so I can get married!!! It's crazy noh? For example in order to get a job you need work experience but in order to get work experience you need a job! Its buang! (crazy in English)

I honestly believe friendships are never really broken.  Even though people parts ways we don't abandon the feeling we have for one another.  I have parted ways with so many people that I still love and care about and think about daily.  That I wish our lives weren't so different that we could still be friends.  Many of my friends from high school that used to make me scream laughing and feel so warmly accepted by them despite my idiot speaking skills now do things for fun and entertainment that I just can participate in and remain strong.  It's hard for one person to lift people up around them but its easy for people to pull that one person down.  I can't be brought down by pornography, drugs, alcohol, immorality and gambling etc..  I wish I could say I was a strong enough person to say I can do whats right when I am around those things but I am not.  I miss them all dearly and would be delighted to see them and spend time with them but are lives are different now.  I honestly care for so many people that I feel I can't do anything for that I feel like I should be helping in some way.
Well, lets see here before I close I am truly enjoying my new calling at church over FHE.  It's stressful but it is keeping me busy and in the lime light so I can't revert back to my dark corner. 

Well, thats all for now folks! Peace out!

Good and Bad Newsies

I think my lot in life is to bear others burdens.  Which is what Jesus Christ did.  I have been blessed with the gift of uplifting people and making people feel better about themselves.  I have been told this by many others that I have a way of genuinely and honestly expressing to people how amazing they are.  I can easily see the strengths and good within every person I meet.  I have kind of  unconsiously been asking in my prayers for years for Heavenly Father to help me uplift those around me and not until a few seconds ago did I realize that he had answered that prayer of mine. 

Uplifting people is something I'm good at and am meant to do.  Sometimes it can wear someone out trying to uplift people all the time when they have as many issues as I have but I know that its something I'm meant to do.  A talent I'm suppose to continue to cultivate.

Okay, so the next few paragraphs I write are going to be ramblings and thoughts I need to get out of my head.

I am frustrated and angry at Him.  All I want is to be his friend and that's all! I know now without a doubt in my mind that I'm not suppose to marry Him.  He's a great person, an amazing person; so don't take it the wrong way when I say he is just not the right person for me.  Being physical and intimate with someone is essential in a marriage and a relationship and I am not going to be the aggressor.  It needs to be mutual.  I want to be with someone who wants all of me!! Both inside and out! I am not suggesting you break the Law of Chastity before you get married but holding hands, cuddling, hugging, kissing are an essential part of a relationship before marriage and after marriage that and  more is important for success.  I talked to my mom last night about everything and she told me about my Aunt Lori who married her first husband who ended up leaving the church, divorcing her and choosing to live an alternate lifestyle and the struggles she faced in that marriage.  That really broaden my perspective and helped me realize that I don't want that or him.  I don't know why he snubs me all the time. 

Well, some good and bad news.  I tried to appeal to retake some classes yesterday at FCC so I can get better grades in them and help my GPA and make me eligible to apply to different nursing programs and they denied my petition because I had already passed the classes.  They told me that I can't retake those classes from any Jr. college in the SCCCD.  So this means I have to retake these classes somewhere else! Hell's YES!!! This means I'm getting out of FRES-NO!!!! I'm exploring my options but I'm going to re-take them somewhere far away from Fresno as I can possibly get.  So don't have to deal with C squared, A & G, my child, and a ward that runs me into the ground because no one takes responsibility for their callings!

Well, things are going to get better. I can't believe I'm going to be a quarter of a century old tomorrow! Horse shit!!  Crap! What am I going to do?!?  I'm not looking forward to it.  I wish I can change all records that say its my brithday tomorrow and how old I will be turning.  I don't want to be 25! I don't want to qualify to be a Mid-Single Adult! I doubt anyone will remember it other than my family and two best friends.  I haven't made a big deal out of it when I tried to make a big deal of other peoples birthdays. Oh well.

I think I'm done rambling.  I got stuff to do.  Peace out!

Living My Life Through TV

I watch way too much TV.  I love TV!!! I am going to be pretty embarassed when we are all in heaven watching our lives and my total hours of TV are counted.  I would guess I spend half my life watching TV and movies. 

I get really into the TV shows, movies, and books.  My best friend KayKay does as well.  Its so funny because these characters become so real to us that we talk about them by nicknames and as if we really know them.  Many times when people over hear our conversation they inquire to know who we are talking about.  Our response is that we are just talking about this book, or that show or a movie and the persons response is always, "Oh! I thought you were talking about real people."  Well, that is because these peoples lives have become real to us.  It's like we lived through their drama with them.  This is why I like to watch TV so much.  I don't drink to drown my sorrows.  I watch TV, a movie or read a book and get lost in a world of other peoples drama and joys and try to forget the shit hole I'm digging for myself and living in.  It's hell living in your shit everyday.

I want to get out of this pit I've gotten myself into but I just don't know how.  I need help!  I never thought about killing myself or wanting to die until recently when I went and saw a thearapist and did an invetory with them 3 weeks ago and me asked me questions about that.  You know its like when someone says don't think about a white elephant and then BAM!! What are you thinking about now?? A white elephant.  They asked me the question if I wanted to kill myself or ever thought about killing myself and I used to think about that stuff as a teenager but not lately and now BAM!! Thats all I've been thinking about lately.  I'll probably never go through with it!  So don't worry or report me to the police.  I had been thinking about cutting myself since I was 12 and it took me till 24 to actually do it.   They still haven't called me back for a follow up appointment by the way.  I guess that means I'm so screwed up they probably can't provide me with any help or want to spend their time trying to fix the unfixable.  I am mental and screwed up!

I know what happens when I die.  I know where I'll go if I die in my sins.  I know if I kill myself I will go to a place I don't want to be with no way out.  I will never live in the presence of my Heavenly Father and Savior agian but now I'm feeling like there is no hope for me.  I gave into my addiction again 2 days ago and I don't feel as sorry as I should feel.  I just feel like if I end my life now that I'll be better off than to continue living a life I'm just fucking up every day that I'm breathing.  I feel like theres this 900,500,650 pound cement boulder on my chest that I just can't get off me.  I can't move.  I can't do anything! I'm stuck and I can't get out.  It's suffocating me and crushing me to death.  I need help!  I need help but no one can help me.  No one.  I don't know what to do.

Welcome New Year

Im riding in the fog. Its a perfect example of what I feel like this year is going to be like. I dunno what Im going to do with my life. I feel like Im going to be wondering in the fog trying to find the correct road I need to be on this year. I hope my year is happier than how I feel right now. :-\

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