Heart Transplant

,,,,,My heart is broken. I think I need mine removed all together so I don't feel anything anymore for anyone.  Or I guess I would be okay with someone else's heart. I want Mich Mich's heart perferably. I love you and I love you and I love you too. I hate letting the people I love down.  

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

My Gift to Jesus this year

This year my gift to Jesus is giving up ang kahuyang ko because I need to get married and its keeping me back from progressing and being happy and worthy.  Also Im never going to cut myself again. I pray that God will give me the strength to give up these things for my gift to Jesus this year. It will be hard but I know that all things are possible with God.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

Queen of Deh Nile (Denial)

Man, I just realized that I am the queen of denial.  It takes me a long time to admit things to myself.  For example, when I like a guy Ill deny it for as long as I possibly can to myself and others.  I hate liking guys because it makes me vulnerable and dependent on someone for a empty longing feeling I feel that can only be filled by a person I have no control over.  So I deny liking a person as long as I can so I don't have to feel that I have to depend on someone to make me happy. 

I just found out while watching Tangled by myself that Ive been in denial about being sad.  I've been sad for a while but I would never admit it to myself.  That movie is so cute and sweet.  The part when flinn was dying and Repuntzle healed him with love was too cute that cried.  As I cried I realized that I just wanted to keep on crying and that  I was really sad.  It was nice to realize that and that I've been in denial about it for a long time.

It was nice to come to terms and acknowledge my sadness.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

Sorry

As I look over the posts I've published I didn't realize that this blog has turned into the writings of a disgruntled emo kid.  I'll try to publish more cheery posts.  This blog has become a place were I can vent my frustrations, and say the things I feel sometimes but can never let anyone know.

Seriously, Jesus?

Today I didn't want to be like Jesus....



I seriously don't know how he did it, all the time, every day.  How was he so charitable, caring, kind, friendly, selfless, and perfect all the time?  He had to be the Son of God!  It's so hard! It takes a lot of effort and is exhausting!

Sometimes, I don't want to be helpful.  Sometimes, I get tired of helping others and being their pillar to lean on.  Sometimes, I get tired of pretending and putting up with peoples crap.  I didn't want to do it today.  I just wanted to be left alone today.  I've had my fill of people for a while.

Today, I decided to be lazy.  I laid in bed 90% of the day.  I am so tired and screwed up.  Everyone thinks I'm so perfect like they always have my whole life.  I just give off that vibe that I'm good but in reality I'm just a big FAILURE!!!!!

I was talking to be best friend today and came to this epiphany that I'm a failure.  I'm single. FAIL! I am unemployed.  FAIL! I am going to a junior college and I'm 24. FAIL!!! Fail + Fail + Fail = Epic Failure!!! I can't take all the pressure that is on me every day!! It just makes me want to lay in bed all day.  Why can't I have my dog Basco's life.  The measure of his creation is to crap! eat! play! sleep! play! sleep! eat! crap!! He has the life! No job, but he has medical care and love.  All that is expected out of him is simple tricks like shaking hands and barking when people come to the door. Man, I hate you BASCO!!!

I hate how people always ask you so what are you doing with your life? Next time I'm asked this I'm seriously going to say, "I'm failing!"  Why do I need to know what I'm going to do with my life every second of the day? Why can't I say I don't know.  Why don't people ask you how do you feel about your life?  Does your life make you happy? What are you doing in your life that makes you happy?  I like these questions better! Less pressure!

Also, I don't think I want friends anymore.  (I mean everyone except my H*MARK friends.)  Their too much.  Just too much.  I'm contemplating big time deleting my Facebook.  I spend too much time on it and I kind of want to go off the grid for a while.  If I have a facebook people can stock me and I not know it.  It kind of scares me to delete it but I am on the cliff about it.  People will actually have to call me up or text me to let me know about things.  I'll be all retro and unique because everyone has a stinkin' facebook.

Man, side note! My tongue is still burned from the hot chocolate I drank 3 hours ago.  Crap!

Well, I think thats all my rambalings for tonight because I'm fading fast! Peace out!

Nothing is Ever Free

Man, where do all the crazy's in Fresno go for free mental health services?? I was looking online today about cutting yourself and it suggested you get phsycological help immediately.  So I have spen the last 30 minutes trying to find some free mental health services in Fresno, Ca and they don't exsist.  Crap!! Also they do offer mental services at the College but the semester is over this week and you need to set and appointment 10 days in advance before you can meet with someone! Ah! Crap!!! Also I haven't signed up for classes for next semester and you have to be taking classes to recieve help! :-( I don't know if I can get some counseling through my health insurence. Hm.. probably not. I just need some help from someone with a multiple degrees who doesn't know me. 

I feel sometimes like its just to hard

Where do therapist go when they have problems? Where do peoples rock go when they have problems? Where do you turn when you have problems? I have no one I feel like I can turn to whose living on the earth right now.  My problems and issues are to deep and uncomfortable for any of my friends to handle with out breaking.  They shouldn't have to help me with my burdens.  When I need help I seriously feel like the only person I can turn to is Heavenly Father.  He will always give me a listening ear but he can't give me a shoulder to cry on that I feel like I need.

I was going strong for a month.  For one month I able to exercise self control from not giving into my addiction (ang kahuyang ko) I felt like this time would be different.  This time would be final.  This time I would be the conqueror.  This time I would be victorious.  This time would be the last time.

Well.... I'm now at day 3.  It's pretty disappointing.  Its a vicious cycle.  I'm trying to stay strong but this may sound really lame but I feel the darkness coming in all around me.  I feel the Spirit calling me to repentance but I feel paralyzed.  I feel hopelessness and that giving up would be so easy to do but I know it wouldn't solve the problem and it won't bring happiness into my life.

I'm tired of supporting so many people, spiritually, physically, mentally, financially, and emotionally.  I can't do it anymore.  Where are you when I need you?  Who is there for me to lean on when I need help?  Who is there to support me in my time of need? No one.  I am alone on this journey.  The person I want to be there for me doesn't think of me anymore.  I can't like him anymore.  I can't wait so long for him. I know he isn't the one for me but I still need him.  I still need his friendship, his support and his love.  I still feel tied to him some how when I would rather have nothing to do with him.

 I just watched a Youtube video and found out that guys and girls can't be friends.  Most of the time the girl thinks of them as friends but the guy does not.  I've noticed a lot lately he has been trying to make "friends" with the girls he told me "could of/ should of" asked out.  He never was attracted to me.  That was the problem.  He always wants to do what is right and found me an easy victim.  I need to have a man be physically attracted to me.  I need a man who wants to kiss me, hold my hand and be intimate with me and he couldn't or didn't want to and I couldn't be okay with that.

I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life after this week.  I swear I need to start seeing a a therapist or something.  I need someone to analyze me and find out why I'm so messed up and broken.  I didn't sign up for school next semester.  I just want to finish school but I have a shitty GPA. Pardon my French.  I usually don't cuss but my GPA is just that bad.  I think but I dunno if want to go back to BYUI but I have no hope of ever getting into their nursing program with my GPA.  Maybe I wanna try SVU and just get as far away from here as possible.  I just need to get out of Fresno and soon because I feel like I'm suffocating here.  I feel like I'm drowning here.  AHGAH! I dunno what to do.  I absolutely am 100% unhappy living with my parents.  They are Hoarders and I can't take it! It makes me angry all the time.  Seriously, I clean and it like opens up more room for them to put more CRAP!!!! They can never keep the house clean for a day they are that bad.  I want to nominate them for Hoarders but my mom would never speak to me again if I did.  She told me this.

I'm so unhappy.  Seriously!! I hate people asking me so what are you doing with your life and all I want to say is nothing.  My life sucks! I'm trying to just make it through the day!

Don't get me wrong! I know I am blessed and spoiled but I'm so unhappy because I have no skills or abilities that will allow me to survive in the real world.  I need a job.

So I started cutting myself and I actually like it. It doesn't look that bad.  I wore nothing on my arm to cover it up and nobody said anything.  I'm not using any razors yet or anything like that and I probably never will but I'm stilling using my stake knife.  I haven't gone to crazy.

Well, I dunno but Christmas makes me sad.  I went to a church Christmas program today and was really sad.  Some songs made me depressed and I was like what the heck?!?

I dunno whats wrong with me. I need help.  Well, peace out! I'm tired.  I have a lot on my mind right now and I'm sorry for the rambling.  I have a final tomorrow that I haven't studied for yet. :-( I hope its easy!

Sometime I Just Want to Slice My Wrists

I thought it would be harder than it was. So many times I've wanted to do it but I never could. To bad my lame house had nothing sharper than a dull steak knife.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

Beginning to be strong

Man, my life is good. I am so blessed. I am Healthy. I can see with the help of contacts. I have a working car. I live in a good neighborhood and have my own bedroom. I have a family who loves me. I have food in the fridge. I can read.  I am relatively socially competent. I don't have any mental conditions. I have health insurance. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I have the word of God. I have wonderful friendships. I can sing. I live in a free country. I go to school. I am so blessed. I am beginning to like my face for the first time in my life. I am excited for my future.

So I've honestly and Truly got over the guy who made my sympathetic nervous system go haywire. I am so grateful for that. I can now say honestly I absolutely like no one in Fresno, Ca.  YEeeeeeS! Its so liberating.

I am also sooooo grateful that I don't need a man to validate myself worth. I know I am awesome and will hold out as long as I need to for a man who will love and Respect me.  I won't kiss frogs hoping one will turn into a prince.  Frogs will always stay frogs. I will wait actively busy with life until the prince comes to town and finds me and wants to kiss me. Why waste my time with frogs when I need to make myself into a princess so  a prince can recognize me a royalty when he sees me.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

Actively Engaging in Building the Kingdom

I don't know what Heavenly Father has in store for me but I know it will be good.

Jesus Christ is my hope, my joy, my safety, security and future.  He loves me more than anyone ever will.  He knows me, my humor, my strengths, my weakness and personality.  He suffered for my sins.  He gave his life for mine.  All I desire is when the day comes that I see his face again that he smiles upon me because he will be able to see his image in my countenance.  I desire for him to say to the Father at that time, "This one is mine.  She knows her Shepherd's voices and follows Him."

I know my last post seemed pretty despairing.  I can't believe how Satan can get into my head and make me feel like a failure and hopeless.  He made me feel like I was an exception to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I talked to my Bishop on Sunday and he restored my hope for a brighter tomorrow.  He gave me a wake up call! Man, what was I thinking?  I am strong.  I am a pillar of strength.  I have the abilities and capacity to be part of miracles.  I have the abilities and capacity to make miracles happen in people lives.  I can help people remember who they are and feel loved.  I have faith in God and know he lives and watches over me.

Satan made me forget who I was but Bishop reminded me who I am and what I can become.  I know with a lump beginning to form in my throat that someday I will become an excellent wife and mother in Zion.  I know that is in my future.  I think Satan makes me doubt the reality of this future that I will have.  I know he does.  He makes me feel like something must be wrong with me because I haven't found me Eternal Companion yet and I turn to old bad habits to "comfort" myself and feel validated.

Bishop chastised me and I needed it.  I can't believe that can devalue myself to such a great extend.  I need to remember what Michelle told me on the way home from our trip to Utah that I am beautiful.  I know I don't have the BMI that I should or that most people tend to find "attractive" but I'm trying to learn and I think that the Lord is trying to teach me that I'm a catch.  HAHAHAHAHA!!  I actually discovered after an hour of prayer that I can't become who the Lord needs me to be by myself in this life.  This is a huge reality check for me. I know now that I will get married not only because I want to but because I need to.  I need to become confident in who am and the abilities and gifts the Lord has given me.

This time has been different.  I think I'm really going to lick this bad habit/ weakness in the butt/bud? for good this time.  I feel strong enough now.  The mountain I have to climb isn't as steep as I thought it would be.  I can't wait for 2012.  That year is going to be different. I am actually going to achieve all the New Year Resolutions I set.  Man, I'm so hopeful and excited for my future.  Great things are in store for me I know it!

I decided to re-convert myself to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I decided to be actively engaged in building the kingdom of God here on earth.  I decided to become who the Lord needs me to be.  Bishop said that maybe I need to up the things I'm doing even more to stay safe from the enticings of Satan. So that is what I am going to do.  I'm going to read my scriptures and study them morning and night.  I'm going to memorize scriptures.  I'm going to serve others every day.  I'm going to tell those I love that I love them.  I'm going to pray always.  I am going to consecrate all my doing unto the Lord.  Starting in 2012 I'm going to go to the temple every week or more if I can.  I'm so excited.

Life is getting better.  I still have things to overcome but it's not impossible anymore.


Peace out! I gotta go pee! ;-P    

Tears Now but Hope for the Future Later

Like usual, I've effed up my life again.  Why am I so self destructing.  I want to believe there is hope for me.

I've been really sad lately.  Ridiculously sad actually.  I was so sad two weeks ago in church I left in the middle of sacrament meeting because I couldn't deal with all the sadness building up inside me.

I guess you could say I'm depressed.  What does that mean exactly? What is its definition? Do you have to be really sad for a certain amount of time to be qualified as depressed? Does your behavior, attitude, or appetite have to change?  What are the qualifications to be diagnosed with depression?  I should look these things up before I made the above statement.

I feel like I'm on the verge of tears at all times.  I have balled my eyes out twice now, cried in front of a friend and come close to the verge of crying too many times to count these past two weeks or so.  I feel like I've let everyone down again.  So many people rely on me and I can't help them or support them because I'm trying to fix myself.  Maybe, I need to see a therapist.

I can't be happy right now.  I need to cry.  I need to be silent.  I need to distant myself from my friends.  No one likes to be around someone who is sad, negative, and quite and I can't guarantee I won't be one of those things.  I hate that I can never hide what I'm feeling.  My face, body language, actions are always a reflection of what I'm feeling.

It sucks because I have no one to talk to about what I'm dealing with.  Also no one but God and his Son Jesus Christ can help me through what I'm going through.

I feel bad because I feel like my friends are miss understanding where my sadness comes from.  None of my friends or family have anything to do with my sadness.  My sadness comes from with in me, from poor choices I've made and the consequences I will have to face because of them.  

I think one friend of mine thinks I'm sad, or maybe mad at him because he broke my heart.  I wish that was the reason but it's not.  I should talk to him.  It's hard because I still care so much for him even though I spend hours every week trying to convince myself that I feel nothing for him.  Every time I see him my heart starts racing and I can't contain one cognitive thought.  My sympathetic portion of my peripheral nervous system kicks in and my instinct is FLIGHT not fight.  Literally, today after a church meeting I ran, RAN to my car instead of facing him.  I'm not worthy of him anyways.  Not anymore at least.  It sucks, because he feel nothing and cares nothing for me.  He never thinks about me.  I was always a burden on him or a guilty conscious.  The day he told me he liked me was the last day of our friendship.  After that he changed and avoided me.  I hate that I got caught in his web of falsehoods and I can't seem to get out when hes moved on.

My other friend is super concerned about me and upset that I'm not wanting to be as social as I once was.  She doesn't like it that I'm so distant.  Also she doesn't like it that I am much more quite now.  She also doesn't like it that I can't share with her why I am sad.  I also think she doesn't like it that she can't help me.

My other two best friends don't even know anything is wrong.  They don't have be around me as much to see any changes.

I am surprised at how many people noticed my sadness that I'm not very close with and expressed concern for me.

I don't know if I can be happy again anytime soon.  I don't deserve to be happy.  I haven't earned happiness.  I need to suffer the consequences of my actions in silence.  I am going to let so many people down.  That makes me really sad.  I hate letting people down.  I hate failing them.

I do have hope that I can overcome anything through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I know that I can become clean again through the blood he shed for me.  I know that I'm not a lost cause.  I know that I am good because Heavenly Father created me and only good things come from his hand.

I look forward to a future of happiness at the top of the steep mountain I have to climb.  I can't wait to see the view from the top.  I know it will be spectacular.  I am just going to have to enjoy a view of the rocks and trees for awhile.

Hey Ladies!!!

Oh my goodnesssssss!!!!! I didn't realize you ladies were still posting on this thing! I am pleasantly surprised though that you are!

Well here is a little update about my life. I went on Jenny Craig 9 weeks ago with my dad because after seeing all my pictures from EFY I was shocked at seeing how big I had become. I was tired of not being able to run with out cough up a lung. I felt very lethargic all the time. Also my mom tore her meniscus and has great trouble now with walking, sitting, getting up, driving, stairs and it had a real effect on me. I don't want to be experiencing the same physical handicaps as my mother has when I'm her age. At 65 I still wanna go on hikes and camping with my family and enjoying an active life. My mom can no longer participate in these things because of her physical state. So both of these things gave me the motivation to lose weight. I've lost 20 pound now as of today when I weighed in. I'm feeling great! I know I still don't look too much skinnier but I can now run a mile and a half with out my chest hurting. I go to the Gym about 6 times a week and its become one of my favorite activities of my day. It amazes me how quickly the body can adapt to new physical restraints put on it. My goal is to lose another 40 pounds by my 25th birthday and I'm on track for that. This has been a great experience for me because as I've learned self control of my dietary intake it has helped me learn self mastery in other areas of my life.

I have NO clue what I'm going to do about school and that's all I'm going to say about that.

I met a wonderful Guy!!! Whose name is Guy! He's a super cute, kinda short, and skinny. We dated for a week and then due to unexpected circumstances we are now friends who like each other. He is my strength. He's my best friend. I strive every day to be the best person I can so I can keep up with his diligence. He is a convert of 7 months. He sings, dances, plays 5 instruments, is super duper smart and is just plan fantastic. I wish you all could meet him. He has one year of school left and then he's planning on serving a mission. So I don't know were we are headed but I'm hopeful. I'll keep you updated.

I just want to bear my testimony of the strength that comes from reading your scriptures daily and praying vocally. I have seen a dramatic increase in the quality of my life since I began 2 or 3 months ago at making these simple thing a priority in my life. I feel like I have gained added strength in overcoming my challenges and trials. I feel like my faith has increased also.

I also got released from the Relief Society Presidency and got called to be the RS 3rd Sunday teacher and it is the best calling EVER!!! I love teaching and Heavenly Father has really blessed my skills and abilities while I've been in this calling. I am also the unofficial Gospel Principals teacher right now and I love it too. I lOOOOVEEE teaching.

Welp... That the jest of my life this past summer! I love you all and miss you! take care!