I watch way too much TV. I love TV!!! I am going to be pretty embarassed when we are all in heaven watching our lives and my total hours of TV are counted. I would guess I spend half my life watching TV and movies.
I get really into the TV shows, movies, and books. My best friend KayKay does as well. Its so funny because these characters become so real to us that we talk about them by nicknames and as if we really know them. Many times when people over hear our conversation they inquire to know who we are talking about. Our response is that we are just talking about this book, or that show or a movie and the persons response is always, "Oh! I thought you were talking about real people." Well, that is because these peoples lives have become real to us. It's like we lived through their drama with them. This is why I like to watch TV so much. I don't drink to drown my sorrows. I watch TV, a movie or read a book and get lost in a world of other peoples drama and joys and try to forget the shit hole I'm digging for myself and living in. It's hell living in your shit everyday.
I want to get out of this pit I've gotten myself into but I just don't know how. I need help! I never thought about killing myself or wanting to die until recently when I went and saw a thearapist and did an invetory with them 3 weeks ago and me asked me questions about that. You know its like when someone says don't think about a white elephant and then BAM!! What are you thinking about now?? A white elephant. They asked me the question if I wanted to kill myself or ever thought about killing myself and I used to think about that stuff as a teenager but not lately and now BAM!! Thats all I've been thinking about lately. I'll probably never go through with it! So don't worry or report me to the police. I had been thinking about cutting myself since I was 12 and it took me till 24 to actually do it. They still haven't called me back for a follow up appointment by the way. I guess that means I'm so screwed up they probably can't provide me with any help or want to spend their time trying to fix the unfixable. I am mental and screwed up!
I know what happens when I die. I know where I'll go if I die in my sins. I know if I kill myself I will go to a place I don't want to be with no way out. I will never live in the presence of my Heavenly Father and Savior agian but now I'm feeling like there is no hope for me. I gave into my addiction again 2 days ago and I don't feel as sorry as I should feel. I just feel like if I end my life now that I'll be better off than to continue living a life I'm just fucking up every day that I'm breathing. I feel like theres this 900,500,650 pound cement boulder on my chest that I just can't get off me. I can't move. I can't do anything! I'm stuck and I can't get out. It's suffocating me and crushing me to death. I need help! I need help but no one can help me. No one. I don't know what to do.
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