I've come to the realization that I probably have depression. I hate it. I hate that prayer and righteous living isn't enough. I haven't been officially diagnosed by a MD yet but no matter what good things take place in my life I've never felt more alone and unhappy and unsatisfied with my life.
I decided I'm going to die young. I'm too sick to live older than 65.
I'm stuck in this weird space time continuum. I hate people, I highly dislike talking to people, interacting with people, being in the same room, space, or even building, or neighborhood as people. I don't like people seeing me or acknowledging me. I wish I had Bilbo Baggins ring which would allow me to walk around invisible among everyone yet its weird that I do long, yearn, and desire friendship. Yet the anxiety I feel and the hate and disgust I feel about myself restrains me from letting me open my mouth to get to know anyone. I can't express the self loathing, and hate, anger, and rage I feel for myself. I'm not a person who can pretend to be someone I'm not. I can't go to a new place and be a whole new person. I am who I am. I won't allow myself to make any friends or be close to anyone because I don't want anyone to know who I am. I am a failure. I let everyone down. I am slow, dumb, and behind, I am an emotional mess, I don't think happy thoughts, I'm sad, very sad every day. I see no light in my future. I am a burden to all who know me. I am such a very sad, sad person. I am so alone with no one to comfort me. I have no family or friends to share heavy burdens with. I am alone and will be alone for the rest of my short life.
I decided I'm going to die young. I'm too sick to live older than 65.
I'm stuck in this weird space time continuum. I hate people, I highly dislike talking to people, interacting with people, being in the same room, space, or even building, or neighborhood as people. I don't like people seeing me or acknowledging me. I wish I had Bilbo Baggins ring which would allow me to walk around invisible among everyone yet its weird that I do long, yearn, and desire friendship. Yet the anxiety I feel and the hate and disgust I feel about myself restrains me from letting me open my mouth to get to know anyone. I can't express the self loathing, and hate, anger, and rage I feel for myself. I'm not a person who can pretend to be someone I'm not. I can't go to a new place and be a whole new person. I am who I am. I won't allow myself to make any friends or be close to anyone because I don't want anyone to know who I am. I am a failure. I let everyone down. I am slow, dumb, and behind, I am an emotional mess, I don't think happy thoughts, I'm sad, very sad every day. I see no light in my future. I am a burden to all who know me. I am such a very sad, sad person. I am so alone with no one to comfort me. I have no family or friends to share heavy burdens with. I am alone and will be alone for the rest of my short life.
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