Ramblings of one trying to discover the meaning of it all

I'm beginning to find out for myself... that nothing in my life seems to go as I pictured it or planned it out in my head.

I have loud conversations in my head quite frequently. Sometimes, I'll spend half a day by myself and become shocked that I hadn't opened my mouth once to utter a word the whole time. This being because I'll have such complicated conversations in my head. Even though I don't openingly speak and sit down to tea with my imaginary friends anymore... that vivid creative imagination still is quite alive with in me that creates all the conversations I want to have with people I'll never have, creates all the dreams of the person I want to become but still remains to hides her face. You know??

I never thought I would grow up to be someone who had been kicked out of college, fat, hanging out with friends from church and not keeping in touch with my high school friends that live in the same town as me, ect.

I always thought I would go to BYU-I out of high school, have Gordon B. Hinkley sign my mission papers, go on a mission at 21 not 21 and 1/2, I always thoght I would open my mission letter at home surround by friends and family, I thought I would be more adultish at my age and a lot cooler than I am right now.

I'm so weird now. Things I use to love and sparkle to me seem dull and lame. They don't bring me as much entertainment as they once did. Things between me and my high school friends are awkward. Sometimes I think that if I was wearing sweats and ran into them at Borders I would hide behind a bookself until they left and not say hi because it would just be so uncomfortable. I don't care for anime or harry potter or lord of the rings like I once did. I've got over buying all my clothes at thrift stores. I try to look like a young adult now. I don't like to watch rated R movies. I don't mind listening to church music all day every day. I don't like volunteering for things as much as I use too. I've learned that I am nothing with out God. I think I've grown up to be lame.