Tears Now but Hope for the Future Later

Like usual, I've effed up my life again.  Why am I so self destructing.  I want to believe there is hope for me.

I've been really sad lately.  Ridiculously sad actually.  I was so sad two weeks ago in church I left in the middle of sacrament meeting because I couldn't deal with all the sadness building up inside me.

I guess you could say I'm depressed.  What does that mean exactly? What is its definition? Do you have to be really sad for a certain amount of time to be qualified as depressed? Does your behavior, attitude, or appetite have to change?  What are the qualifications to be diagnosed with depression?  I should look these things up before I made the above statement.

I feel like I'm on the verge of tears at all times.  I have balled my eyes out twice now, cried in front of a friend and come close to the verge of crying too many times to count these past two weeks or so.  I feel like I've let everyone down again.  So many people rely on me and I can't help them or support them because I'm trying to fix myself.  Maybe, I need to see a therapist.

I can't be happy right now.  I need to cry.  I need to be silent.  I need to distant myself from my friends.  No one likes to be around someone who is sad, negative, and quite and I can't guarantee I won't be one of those things.  I hate that I can never hide what I'm feeling.  My face, body language, actions are always a reflection of what I'm feeling.

It sucks because I have no one to talk to about what I'm dealing with.  Also no one but God and his Son Jesus Christ can help me through what I'm going through.

I feel bad because I feel like my friends are miss understanding where my sadness comes from.  None of my friends or family have anything to do with my sadness.  My sadness comes from with in me, from poor choices I've made and the consequences I will have to face because of them.  

I think one friend of mine thinks I'm sad, or maybe mad at him because he broke my heart.  I wish that was the reason but it's not.  I should talk to him.  It's hard because I still care so much for him even though I spend hours every week trying to convince myself that I feel nothing for him.  Every time I see him my heart starts racing and I can't contain one cognitive thought.  My sympathetic portion of my peripheral nervous system kicks in and my instinct is FLIGHT not fight.  Literally, today after a church meeting I ran, RAN to my car instead of facing him.  I'm not worthy of him anyways.  Not anymore at least.  It sucks, because he feel nothing and cares nothing for me.  He never thinks about me.  I was always a burden on him or a guilty conscious.  The day he told me he liked me was the last day of our friendship.  After that he changed and avoided me.  I hate that I got caught in his web of falsehoods and I can't seem to get out when hes moved on.

My other friend is super concerned about me and upset that I'm not wanting to be as social as I once was.  She doesn't like it that I'm so distant.  Also she doesn't like it that I am much more quite now.  She also doesn't like it that I can't share with her why I am sad.  I also think she doesn't like it that she can't help me.

My other two best friends don't even know anything is wrong.  They don't have be around me as much to see any changes.

I am surprised at how many people noticed my sadness that I'm not very close with and expressed concern for me.

I don't know if I can be happy again anytime soon.  I don't deserve to be happy.  I haven't earned happiness.  I need to suffer the consequences of my actions in silence.  I am going to let so many people down.  That makes me really sad.  I hate letting people down.  I hate failing them.

I do have hope that I can overcome anything through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I know that I can become clean again through the blood he shed for me.  I know that I'm not a lost cause.  I know that I am good because Heavenly Father created me and only good things come from his hand.

I look forward to a future of happiness at the top of the steep mountain I have to climb.  I can't wait to see the view from the top.  I know it will be spectacular.  I am just going to have to enjoy a view of the rocks and trees for awhile.