Living My Life Through TV

I watch way too much TV.  I love TV!!! I am going to be pretty embarassed when we are all in heaven watching our lives and my total hours of TV are counted.  I would guess I spend half my life watching TV and movies. 

I get really into the TV shows, movies, and books.  My best friend KayKay does as well.  Its so funny because these characters become so real to us that we talk about them by nicknames and as if we really know them.  Many times when people over hear our conversation they inquire to know who we are talking about.  Our response is that we are just talking about this book, or that show or a movie and the persons response is always, "Oh! I thought you were talking about real people."  Well, that is because these peoples lives have become real to us.  It's like we lived through their drama with them.  This is why I like to watch TV so much.  I don't drink to drown my sorrows.  I watch TV, a movie or read a book and get lost in a world of other peoples drama and joys and try to forget the shit hole I'm digging for myself and living in.  It's hell living in your shit everyday.

I want to get out of this pit I've gotten myself into but I just don't know how.  I need help!  I never thought about killing myself or wanting to die until recently when I went and saw a thearapist and did an invetory with them 3 weeks ago and me asked me questions about that.  You know its like when someone says don't think about a white elephant and then BAM!! What are you thinking about now?? A white elephant.  They asked me the question if I wanted to kill myself or ever thought about killing myself and I used to think about that stuff as a teenager but not lately and now BAM!! Thats all I've been thinking about lately.  I'll probably never go through with it!  So don't worry or report me to the police.  I had been thinking about cutting myself since I was 12 and it took me till 24 to actually do it.   They still haven't called me back for a follow up appointment by the way.  I guess that means I'm so screwed up they probably can't provide me with any help or want to spend their time trying to fix the unfixable.  I am mental and screwed up!

I know what happens when I die.  I know where I'll go if I die in my sins.  I know if I kill myself I will go to a place I don't want to be with no way out.  I will never live in the presence of my Heavenly Father and Savior agian but now I'm feeling like there is no hope for me.  I gave into my addiction again 2 days ago and I don't feel as sorry as I should feel.  I just feel like if I end my life now that I'll be better off than to continue living a life I'm just fucking up every day that I'm breathing.  I feel like theres this 900,500,650 pound cement boulder on my chest that I just can't get off me.  I can't move.  I can't do anything! I'm stuck and I can't get out.  It's suffocating me and crushing me to death.  I need help!  I need help but no one can help me.  No one.  I don't know what to do.

Welcome New Year

Im riding in the fog. Its a perfect example of what I feel like this year is going to be like. I dunno what Im going to do with my life. I feel like Im going to be wondering in the fog trying to find the correct road I need to be on this year. I hope my year is happier than how I feel right now. :-\

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Heart Transplant

,,,,,My heart is broken. I think I need mine removed all together so I don't feel anything anymore for anyone.  Or I guess I would be okay with someone else's heart. I want Mich Mich's heart perferably. I love you and I love you and I love you too. I hate letting the people I love down.  

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My Gift to Jesus this year

This year my gift to Jesus is giving up ang kahuyang ko because I need to get married and its keeping me back from progressing and being happy and worthy.  Also Im never going to cut myself again. I pray that God will give me the strength to give up these things for my gift to Jesus this year. It will be hard but I know that all things are possible with God.

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Queen of Deh Nile (Denial)

Man, I just realized that I am the queen of denial.  It takes me a long time to admit things to myself.  For example, when I like a guy Ill deny it for as long as I possibly can to myself and others.  I hate liking guys because it makes me vulnerable and dependent on someone for a empty longing feeling I feel that can only be filled by a person I have no control over.  So I deny liking a person as long as I can so I don't have to feel that I have to depend on someone to make me happy. 

I just found out while watching Tangled by myself that Ive been in denial about being sad.  I've been sad for a while but I would never admit it to myself.  That movie is so cute and sweet.  The part when flinn was dying and Repuntzle healed him with love was too cute that cried.  As I cried I realized that I just wanted to keep on crying and that  I was really sad.  It was nice to realize that and that I've been in denial about it for a long time.

It was nice to come to terms and acknowledge my sadness.

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Sorry

As I look over the posts I've published I didn't realize that this blog has turned into the writings of a disgruntled emo kid.  I'll try to publish more cheery posts.  This blog has become a place were I can vent my frustrations, and say the things I feel sometimes but can never let anyone know.

Seriously, Jesus?

Today I didn't want to be like Jesus....



I seriously don't know how he did it, all the time, every day.  How was he so charitable, caring, kind, friendly, selfless, and perfect all the time?  He had to be the Son of God!  It's so hard! It takes a lot of effort and is exhausting!

Sometimes, I don't want to be helpful.  Sometimes, I get tired of helping others and being their pillar to lean on.  Sometimes, I get tired of pretending and putting up with peoples crap.  I didn't want to do it today.  I just wanted to be left alone today.  I've had my fill of people for a while.

Today, I decided to be lazy.  I laid in bed 90% of the day.  I am so tired and screwed up.  Everyone thinks I'm so perfect like they always have my whole life.  I just give off that vibe that I'm good but in reality I'm just a big FAILURE!!!!!

I was talking to be best friend today and came to this epiphany that I'm a failure.  I'm single. FAIL! I am unemployed.  FAIL! I am going to a junior college and I'm 24. FAIL!!! Fail + Fail + Fail = Epic Failure!!! I can't take all the pressure that is on me every day!! It just makes me want to lay in bed all day.  Why can't I have my dog Basco's life.  The measure of his creation is to crap! eat! play! sleep! play! sleep! eat! crap!! He has the life! No job, but he has medical care and love.  All that is expected out of him is simple tricks like shaking hands and barking when people come to the door. Man, I hate you BASCO!!!

I hate how people always ask you so what are you doing with your life? Next time I'm asked this I'm seriously going to say, "I'm failing!"  Why do I need to know what I'm going to do with my life every second of the day? Why can't I say I don't know.  Why don't people ask you how do you feel about your life?  Does your life make you happy? What are you doing in your life that makes you happy?  I like these questions better! Less pressure!

Also, I don't think I want friends anymore.  (I mean everyone except my H*MARK friends.)  Their too much.  Just too much.  I'm contemplating big time deleting my Facebook.  I spend too much time on it and I kind of want to go off the grid for a while.  If I have a facebook people can stock me and I not know it.  It kind of scares me to delete it but I am on the cliff about it.  People will actually have to call me up or text me to let me know about things.  I'll be all retro and unique because everyone has a stinkin' facebook.

Man, side note! My tongue is still burned from the hot chocolate I drank 3 hours ago.  Crap!

Well, I think thats all my rambalings for tonight because I'm fading fast! Peace out!