I feel sometimes like its just to hard

Where do therapist go when they have problems? Where do peoples rock go when they have problems? Where do you turn when you have problems? I have no one I feel like I can turn to whose living on the earth right now.  My problems and issues are to deep and uncomfortable for any of my friends to handle with out breaking.  They shouldn't have to help me with my burdens.  When I need help I seriously feel like the only person I can turn to is Heavenly Father.  He will always give me a listening ear but he can't give me a shoulder to cry on that I feel like I need.

I was going strong for a month.  For one month I able to exercise self control from not giving into my addiction (ang kahuyang ko) I felt like this time would be different.  This time would be final.  This time I would be the conqueror.  This time I would be victorious.  This time would be the last time.

Well.... I'm now at day 3.  It's pretty disappointing.  Its a vicious cycle.  I'm trying to stay strong but this may sound really lame but I feel the darkness coming in all around me.  I feel the Spirit calling me to repentance but I feel paralyzed.  I feel hopelessness and that giving up would be so easy to do but I know it wouldn't solve the problem and it won't bring happiness into my life.

I'm tired of supporting so many people, spiritually, physically, mentally, financially, and emotionally.  I can't do it anymore.  Where are you when I need you?  Who is there for me to lean on when I need help?  Who is there to support me in my time of need? No one.  I am alone on this journey.  The person I want to be there for me doesn't think of me anymore.  I can't like him anymore.  I can't wait so long for him. I know he isn't the one for me but I still need him.  I still need his friendship, his support and his love.  I still feel tied to him some how when I would rather have nothing to do with him.

 I just watched a Youtube video and found out that guys and girls can't be friends.  Most of the time the girl thinks of them as friends but the guy does not.  I've noticed a lot lately he has been trying to make "friends" with the girls he told me "could of/ should of" asked out.  He never was attracted to me.  That was the problem.  He always wants to do what is right and found me an easy victim.  I need to have a man be physically attracted to me.  I need a man who wants to kiss me, hold my hand and be intimate with me and he couldn't or didn't want to and I couldn't be okay with that.

I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life after this week.  I swear I need to start seeing a a therapist or something.  I need someone to analyze me and find out why I'm so messed up and broken.  I didn't sign up for school next semester.  I just want to finish school but I have a shitty GPA. Pardon my French.  I usually don't cuss but my GPA is just that bad.  I think but I dunno if want to go back to BYUI but I have no hope of ever getting into their nursing program with my GPA.  Maybe I wanna try SVU and just get as far away from here as possible.  I just need to get out of Fresno and soon because I feel like I'm suffocating here.  I feel like I'm drowning here.  AHGAH! I dunno what to do.  I absolutely am 100% unhappy living with my parents.  They are Hoarders and I can't take it! It makes me angry all the time.  Seriously, I clean and it like opens up more room for them to put more CRAP!!!! They can never keep the house clean for a day they are that bad.  I want to nominate them for Hoarders but my mom would never speak to me again if I did.  She told me this.

I'm so unhappy.  Seriously!! I hate people asking me so what are you doing with your life and all I want to say is nothing.  My life sucks! I'm trying to just make it through the day!

Don't get me wrong! I know I am blessed and spoiled but I'm so unhappy because I have no skills or abilities that will allow me to survive in the real world.  I need a job.

So I started cutting myself and I actually like it. It doesn't look that bad.  I wore nothing on my arm to cover it up and nobody said anything.  I'm not using any razors yet or anything like that and I probably never will but I'm stilling using my stake knife.  I haven't gone to crazy.

Well, I dunno but Christmas makes me sad.  I went to a church Christmas program today and was really sad.  Some songs made me depressed and I was like what the heck?!?

I dunno whats wrong with me. I need help.  Well, peace out! I'm tired.  I have a lot on my mind right now and I'm sorry for the rambling.  I have a final tomorrow that I haven't studied for yet. :-( I hope its easy!